Part III: 3 Tips to Get Them to Swipe Right + Rewire Your Brain to Attract Love

This is Part 3 of a mini-blog on getting more profile perusers to “swipe right” on your profile by rewiring your brain and upping the frequency you’re vibing on.

In Part 1 of this mini-blog we saw how confidence is attractive and how to build that sense of confidence by slowing down, tuning in and focusing on the good that’s already there in you! You-liking-you is numero uno in enhancing genuine self-confidence.

In Part 2 we talked about enhancing good voices that help us to tune into self-love that feels good and draws more good to us. Drop by drop, practicing slowing down and tuning into those good voices inside actually rewires our brains for love. Now let’s talk about Enoughness – feeling like we’re ok, good enough, ANYHTING enough. And how rocking that vibe will attract more love (and swipes that matter).

What is “enoughness” and what’s it got to do with dating?

A sense of “enoughness” is a wonderful achievement. We’re incessantly bombarded by cultural and commercial messages that prey on our vulnerability to feeling like we’re not enough in some way. Dr. Brene Brown, a popular sociologist, author and Ted Talk presenter with over 35 MILLION views (link), is known for her research and talks on vulnerability, shame, and what I’m calling “enoughness”. She talks a lot about shame, one of the most debilitating and painful feelings we can encounter, which cripples us with the message that we’re not “something” enough.

Not-enough-ness casts us into dark, shame-filled, virtual hells (not realities) where we just want to hide, so as not to be seen, and where we feel inferior and insecure. It’s so hard to connect with others or feel worthy of their appreciation, let alone our own, when we’re in these dark, disempowering places.

The antidote to the sense that “I’m not enough”, and to the accompanying shame that cripples us is being seen, and more specifically, being seen as truly ok and acceptable--just a human being like everyone else--in that place we fear we are not ok.

Confronting the BS story of feeling not enough is the answer.

We hide when we don’t feel we’re enough. However, when we summon the courage to fight that FALSE feeling-thought, and take the risk of coming out into the light and being seen, we take away shame’s power and weapons. We take back our power.

Let’s be real. I’ve worked with enough people from all walks of life to know that CEO’s, supermodels, and others with incredible success, fame and affluence do not escape the fear about measuring up. Everyone has underlying vulnerabilities, worries and insecurities. It’s a human condition.

So, you’re not alone and no one is better than you. Everybody experiences not-enough-ness. So then, what are we measuring ourselves against?! It’s an illusion, a fantasy that we don’t measure up or aren’t “blah, blah, blah” enough.

How can I use this in my dating life?

Here’s a quick experiment: Take a few minutes and ask yourself:

· What areas do I feel I am somehow not enough? Write down 2 or 3. For example: I feel like I’m not funny enough. I feel like I’m not intelligent enough. I feel like I’m not (fill in the blank regarding physical attractiveness) enough.

· Now, what would it be like to have someone you trust and appreciate tell you the opposite of those thoughts or beliefs? Example: “Kelly, I think you are genuinely funny and interesting. I love hearing you tell stories!”

· Close your eyes so you can go inside. Visualize in your mind’s eye, someone who you like and trust telling you this kind of message about the “not-enoughs” you just listed. Really feel it. Let it in. How does it feel? What happens when you take it in?*

*Sometimes we encounter blocks to letting in good messages that contradict old longstanding beliefs about ourselves. If that happens, that’s totally understandable. Keep experimenting and practicing.

Build shiny new neuropathways that will change how you feel and how others see you!

Once you get to a place where that message starts to create a good, uplifting, lighter, positive physical and emotional experience inside, you’re letting it in. That means new neuropathways are getting built, right now!

Take that internal experience, knowing you’re creating new neuropathways in your brain and in your psyche, and approach your profile, the next app encounter, and/or your next date with that quality and energy.

This isn’t magic, it’s science. It works. The goal is to feel the newer good feeling and start to experience and create for yourself new realities, that then manifest in new experiences in your life.

It does take time and commitment to catch, stop and replace the old “not-enough” messages with something that is new and different, but truer, more supportive and just plain feels better. For me, knowing that I’m not just feeling something in the moment, but actually creating a new pathway in my brain that I can build on and that will eventually create long-lasting change in my life is satisfying an encouraging!

Remember, “Drop by drop is the water pot filled. Likewise, so the wise man [and woman] gathering it little by little, fills her/himself with good.” -Buddha

I love hearing how these dating-life strategies are helping OR where you get stuck! Feel free to leave a comment below, drop me an email, or if you want to some help changing how you feel, how you date and creating the love you want in your life - feel free to call me for a free 15 minute phone consultation at (415) 797-8297. I am San Francisco’s resident dating therapist helping singles create the love and life that they want!