What if the people you're drawn to aren't as different from one another as they first appear?
Maybe you've noticed that you have a “type.”
The people you've dated may look completely different from one another. Their personalities may be different. Their lives may be different. And yet, after enough relationships, you may begin to notice something strangely familiar about the experience of being with them.
Perhaps you're repeatedly attracted to people who are difficult to reach. Maybe you find yourself wanting people who seem uncertain about wanting you, or who are emotionally distant or non-committal. Perhaps you're drawn toward intensity, confidence, vulnerability, mystery, or people you somehow feel drawn to help or save. Or perhaps your “type” is mysteriously alluring and evokes a deep longing in you.
There may be more connecting these attractions than you realize.
We All Develop an Attraction Template
I use the term Attraction Template to describe the internal pattern that helps shape who we're attracted to and why.
Our Attraction Template develops through many influences: temperament, biology, culture, early relationships, experiences of love and attachment, previous romantic relationships, and the meanings we've made from all of them.
Over time, we develop an internal sense of what attraction feels like. Certain qualities, emotional dynamics, and ways of relating may become especially compelling to us—even when we don't consciously understand why.
Your Template Is About More Than Your “Type”
An Attraction Template isn't simply a list of characteristics you prefer.
You might consciously say you're attracted to people who are intelligent, funny, confident, adventurous, or physically attractive. But underneath those preferences may be something more relational.
Maybe you're drawn toward people whose attention feels slightly difficult to secure. Maybe being needed makes you feel valuable. Perhaps emotional intensity feels like intimacy. Or maybe warmth, steadiness, playfulness, and emotional availability feel deeply attractive because those experiences are meaningful to you and give you a particular sense of safety.
The template isn't only about who the other person is. It's also about who you become and what you experience in relationship with them.
Attraction May Be Asking a Question
Sometimes powerful attraction seems to carry an unfinished relational question.
Will you choose me? Am I enough for you? Can I finally get close to someone who is difficult to reach? Can I be completely myself and still be loved?
We aren't consciously walking around looking for someone to answer these questions. But certain people may activate them—and when they do, the resulting attraction can feel incredibly powerful.
Think about three people you've felt strongly attracted to. Beyond their obvious differences, what was similar about the emotional experience of wanting them or the attraction dance between you?
That question can begin to reveal your Attraction Template.
Your Attraction Template Isn't a Problem
Understanding your Attraction Template doesn't mean learning to distrust attraction. Attraction can be pleasurable, exciting, mysterious, and deeply meaningful.
Awareness simply gives us more information.
Instead of only asking, Am I attracted to this person?, we can also become curious about why this particular person feels so compelling. What gets activated in me around them? What feels familiar? What am I hoping will happen?
Those questions don't take the magic out of attraction. They can help us understand the forces operating inside it, giving us greater awareness and the possibility of more conscious choices.
Your Dating Life Can Become a Source of Information
Once we begin recognizing our Attraction Template, our dating history can start looking different.
Relationships that once seemed unrelated may reveal common themes. Painful or confusing dynamics with others can suddenly make more sense, bringing relief rather than hopelessness. Even relationships that were painful or disappointing may tell us something about what we've been seeking, repeating, avoiding, or trying to resolve.
If you're curious about why familiar relational patterns can create such powerful attraction, I explore this further in “Why Familiar Often Feels Like Chemistry.”
And perhaps the most interesting question becomes less Why do I keep choosing the wrong people? and more:
What is my attraction trying to show me about myself?
If you find yourself repeatedly drawn toward similar people or relationship dynamics, understanding your Attraction Template can help you become more conscious of what may be shaping your attraction and the relationships you pursue. I offer Dating Therapy to help you explore these patterns, understand what may be happening beneath them, and make more conscious choices in your dating life.