Most couples don’t actively decide how they want to treat each other. They don’t talk about the “rules of engagement” for hard conversations, or what it means to stay tethered when things get messy.
Instead, they fall back on instinct. On history. On habits. On whatever felt normal in their last relationship—or what they watched their parents do growing up.
But here’s the problem: if you don’t create relationship principles on purpose, anti-principles will take over.
In my work doing couples therapy in San Francisco, this is one of the biggest turning points I see—when couples realize they’ve been operating on unspoken, reactive patterns, rather than shared, conscious agreements. And those unspoken patterns can do real damage over time.
What Relationship Principles Actually Are
Based on the work of Stan Tatkin, relationship principles are mutual commitments—guidelines for how you will treat each other especially when you’re upset, tired, or emotionally activated.
Some examples:
We speak with respect, even when we’re triggered.
We don’t threaten the relationship during conflict.
We make repair a priority—not a last resort.
We don’t throw each other under the bus, especially in public.
We build rituals of connection and appreciation every week.
These aren’t rigid rules. They’re relational safety structures—agreed-upon ways of relating that keep both nervous systems grounded, and both partners emotionally protected.
When I work with couples in marriage therapy SF, these principles often become the glue that holds the relationship together through stress, disagreement, or emotional reactivity.
The Risk of Anti-Principles
If you haven’t created relationship principles, you still have something guiding your interactions. You just might not like what it is.
These are what I call Anti-Principles—the unconscious, habitual ways couples relate when there’s no clear foundation. They sound like:
We yell, blame, or shut down when we feel hurt.
We prioritize work, phones, or kids over connection.
We let days pass without repair after a fight.
We weaponize past mistakes during arguments.
Often, these behaviors aren’t intentional. They come from fear, overwhelm, or early attachment strategies. But they still erode safety—and over time, they can destroy trust.
If you don’t identify and challenge these Anti-Principles, they quietly become the culture of your relationship.
Why It Matters
Stan Tatkin reminds us that a healthy couple is a “two-person psychological system.” That means what you do affects your partner’s regulation, self-esteem, and sense of security—and vice versa.
When both of you commit to protecting the relationship, not just fighting for your individual needs, the whole system stabilizes. That’s what relationship counseling in San Francisco helps couples create: a conscious relational culture.
Try This
Ask each other:
What kind of emotional culture do we want in our relationship?
What principles would help us both feel safer and more supported?
What “anti-principles” might we have inherited without realizing it?
And most importantly: Are we willing to commit to something better, together?
If these conversations feel tense or overwhelming, that’s okay. In couples counseling SF, we take this process step by step. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to get intentional.
Because the strongest relationships don’t run on autopilot. They run on purpose.