Let’s talk about sex. It’s one of the most vulnerable—and most common—places couples get stuck. It isn’t a given that our relationships will unfold happily-ever-after, nor is it with sex. Relationships get complicated. One partner wants sex or wants it more often. The other doesn’t feel ready, interested, or safe enough to connect that way in the moment, or for longer. But it doesn’t have to be a make or break issue for the relationship.
Sometimes this dilemma creates an ongoing tension in the relationship. The partner with a higher desire may feel rejected, unwanted, or discouraged. The lower-desire partner may feel pressure, guilt, or anxiety—especially if they’re worried about hurting the relationship by saying no.
In couples therapy in San Francisco, I hear this struggle often. The pain isn’t just about sex—it’s about emotional connection, safety, identity, and the meaning we attach to our experiences of giving or withholding intimacy.
So what do you do when one of you wants sex, and the other doesn’t?
First: Let’s Name the Pattern, Not the Problem
One of the biggest mistakes couples make is turning this into a character issue.
“You’re too needy.”
“You never initiate.”
“You’re emotionally shut down.”
“You’re not spontaneous anymore.”
But desire isn’t fixed—and it’s not a moral quality. It’s affected by mood, stress, body image, hormones, attachment patterns, relationship issues, psychological and emotional disconnection and much more.
The goal isn’t to diagnose or critique each other. It’s to slow down and get curious about the underlying dynamics.
Stan Tatkin reminds us that emotional and physical safety are deeply intertwined. If one partner feels disconnected emotionally, their body may not register the sexual approach as welcome or safe. On the flip side, the partner reaching for sex may be using it as a way to reconnect emotionally—but doesn’t know how to express that need more explicitly or collaboratively.
The Cycle That Keeps You Stuck
What often happens is a pursuer–withdrawer dynamic. One partner reaches out for connection (often through sex). The other pulls away (often from emotional or physical discomfort). The more one pushes, the more the other retreats—and the more disconnected both feel.
This isn’t about fault. It’s a signal that the relationship needs more attunement and space for open, pressure-free communication.
In marriage or relationship therapy, we work on shifting this dynamic so that neither partner feels pressured to perform, and neither feels abandoned or unwanted.
What Consent Really Means in a Relationship
Consent isn’t just about saying yes or no. It’s about mutual understanding and care—especially in long-term relationships.
If you’re saying yes out of fear, guilt, or a desire to avoid conflict, it’s not really a wholehearted yes. And over time, this can erode trust and intimacy.
Likewise, if your partner is struggling with desire or saying no, it doesn’t mean they’re rejecting you. But without conversation, it’s easy to interpret it that way.
Here’s a better approach:
Talk about what sex means to each of you—not just physically, but emotionally
Ask: What makes you feel safe enough to want to connect in that way?
Explore other forms of physical and emotional intimacy that feel good and pressure-free
Create a shared understanding of how to navigate mismatched desire with care
When to Seek Support
This dynamic is more common than most couples think—and it is treatable. In couples or relationship counseling, we explore desire as a relational experience, not an individual shortcoming.
You both deserve to feel safe, wanted, and understood—without coercion, confusion, or shame.
If this is a place where your relationship gets stuck, know that you don’t have to figure it out alone. Therapy for couples can help you find a new way forward—one that honors both of your needs and deepens the connection between you.
Because intimacy, at its core, is about knowing and being known. And that’s something worth working toward—together.