You’ve had this argument before—maybe ten, maybe a hundred times. It might be about the dishes, how you parent, the budget, or something that seems small on the surface but feels big underneath. You know the script. One of you gets triggered. The other reacts. Then things spiral—again.
Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. Repeating the same fight is one of the top reasons people seek out couples therapy in San Francisco. And in most cases, the issue isn’t really about what you think it is. The problem usually isn’t the dishes.
It’s the pattern.
What You’re Really Arguing About
In relationship counseling, we often help couples recognize that many of their arguments aren’t about content—they’re about connection. The real disagreement is happening at a deeper emotional level:
Do you really care about me?
Do you really want to understand me?
Can you see me fairly?
Am I important to you?
Most couples have what we call a “default conflict cycle.” It’s like a dance—one person leads with criticism or frustration, the other defends or withdraws. Both people usually feel misunderstood. Both feel alone in the relationship.
When you’re stuck in that loop, it’s exhausting. And it feels like nothing ever changes.
Breaking the Cycle
The first step is recognizing the cycle instead of blaming each other.
Ask yourself:
What’s the move I tend to make in this pattern? (Criticize? Defend? Shut down?)
What feeling is underneath that move? (Fear? Loneliness? Shame?)
What need am I trying to express—maybe not very skillfully?
Slowing down and getting curious about your own role softens the moment. It gives your partner a chance to drop their defenses too.
This is a big part of the work we do in couples counseling SF—helping each person take ownership of their side of the pattern, without shame or blame. You’re not wrong for having reactions. But understanding them helps you respond more skillfully.
It’s Not About Winning
When couples get stuck, there’s often an underlying belief that one of you is “right.” But good relationships aren’t about keeping score. They’re about learning to repair disconnection and build trust—even in the hard moments.
In marriage and relationship therapy, we often teach couples how to repair quickly and intentionally. That might mean saying, “I can see this hurt you, and that wasn’t my intention. Can we slow down and talk about it differently?”
You don’t need perfect communication. You just need a willingness to recognize when the pattern is back—and the tools to shift it.
When to Get Support
If you’re stuck in the same argument over and over, and talking doesn’t seem to help, that’s a good time to reach out for help. You don’t have to wait until things are falling apart.
Couples therapy in San Francisco can help you recognize your cycle, build emotional safety, and learn how to have new conversations—ones that bring you closer instead of pushing you apart.
If you’re ready to step out of the rerun and into something new, I’d love to help you get there.