Those Moments Where You Get Stuck
There are these moments in dating and relationships where you get stuck. You get triggered.
Something gets said.
Something doesn’t happen.
A tone, a look, a delay. No response. Whatever it is.
And suddenly, you feel it… You feel the contraction inside, the shutting down–or the spark of fire.
Maybe frustrated, tense, defensive, hurt, rejected. Your thoughts speed up. You start trying to make sense of what just happened.
Then you react.
That reaction isn’t random.
There’s usually a sequence happening underneath it:
Something happens → you feel something → your mind creates a story → you respond.
Most of this happens quickly and automatically.
But when you slow it down, you can start to see it more clearly.
A Simple Way to Track What’s Happening
After an experience that felt charged or activating, take a few minutes and walk yourself through this:
1. What happened?
Keep it simple and observable.
“They didn’t respond…”
“My partner said…”
“The date ended and…”
“I texted, and got silence…”
2. What did you feel?
Start with the surface: frustrated, annoyed, defensive.
Then look underneath: hurt, anxious, uncertain, disappointed, lonely.
3. What story did your mind tell?
About them: “They don’t care.” “They’re pulling away.” “They think I’m x.”
About you: “I’m not important.” “I’m not being seen.” “I’m not ‘something’ enough.”
These often feel true in the moment. But they’re interpretations.
4. What did you do?
Did you push back? Shut down? Over-explain? Pull away?
Whatever you did, it made sense at the time. It was your system trying to manage what you felt.
Why This Matters
When you start tracking these moments, patterns become clearer.
In dating, it can explain why similar experiences keep repeating.
In relationships, it’s often the foundation of conflict cycles.
The goal isn’t to get this “right” or stop reacting.
It’s to build awareness.
Because even a small amount of awareness creates space.
And in that space, there’s a little more room to be, to experience.
To be, without the automatic response or reaction.
And, then, maybe, when your system is ready, to respond differently.
What to try the next time
The next time you notice yourself getting activated, the goal is not to stop yourself from feeling.
The goal is to slow the process down enough to notice what’s happening.
Notice the activation.
Notice the feeling underneath it.
Notice the story your mind immediately starts telling.
Then get curious about that story.
Is it completely true?
Partly true?
Missing information?
Is your mind filling in gaps or jumping to conclusions?
Our minds often tell us things that feel convincing in the moment but are not fully accurate, or not accurate at all. And when we automatically believe those narratives, we usually start reacting to the story as if it were the truth, fact, concrete. But usually isn’t.
And that’s often when things escalate.
Sometimes we shut down.
Sometimes we get reactive or defensive.
Sometimes we collapse into hopelessness or pull away, or want to throw in the towel.
But when you can slow the process down and hold the narrative a little more lightly, something starts to change.
You may still feel hurt, frustrated, disappointed, or anxious. But there can also be a little more perspective and flexibility inside the experience.
And from there, you may find yourself responding differently.
In a relationship, that might sound like:
“Okay, I noticed I got activated, and the story I started telling myself was that I didn’t matter to you. I’m not sure if that’s fully true, but that’s where my mind went.”
In dating, it might mean recognizing when your mind is moving quickly toward hopelessness, negative self-talk, or certainty about what someone else’s behavior means — and instead, allowing a little more room for open-mindedness and investigation instead.
None of this is about getting it perfect.
It’s about building awareness of the process happening inside you so you become less automatically controlled by it.
That awareness is often where meaningful change begins.
If this seems like a place that you could use guidance or support, Couples Therapy or Dating and Relationship Therapy is exactly what I do. If you’d like help understanding what happens for you and how you get triggered, I’d be glad to connect.