Most couples don’t sit down and create a shared code of conduct for how they want to treat each other—especially when things get hard. And yet, every couple has operating principles, whether they’re spoken or not.

Some are intentional and strengthening, and then there are the anti-principles—the unconscious agreements or tolerated behaviors that slowly erode trust, intimacy, and safety over time.

You’ve had this argument before—maybe ten, maybe a hundred times. One of you gets triggered. The other reacts. Then things spiral—again…

“I think we waited too long.” But here’s the thing I’ve seen again and again in couples therapy most of the time, it’s not too late. It’s just that the old strategies have stopped working, and no new ones have taken their place—yet.

One partner wants sex or wants it more often. The other doesn’t feel ready, interested, or safe enough to connect that way in the moment, or for longer.  But it doesn’t have to be a make or break issue for the relationship.

Most couples don’t actively decide how they want to treat each other. But here’s the problem: if you don’t create relationship principles on purpose, anti-principles will take over.