Get Them to Swipe Right!
This is Part II of a blog series on getting more profile perusers to swipe right on your profile by rewiring your brain and upping the vibe you’re sending out.
In Part 1 of this mini-blog we saw how confidence is attractive and how to build that sense of confidence by slowing down, tuning in and focusing on the good that’s already there in you! You-liking-you is numero uno in enhancing genuine self-confidence.
So, how can self-love get me more swipes?
While confidence can come from this deep sense of goodness, people often tend to think of it as something we kind of try to put on or talk ourselves up to. Genuine sense of confidence is a close cousin to self-love. And most folks understand that self-love is inherently borne out of a place inside that experiences intrinsically: “I’m loveable,” and “I’m good.” When we’re connected to that place inside we feel good and can be more natural and comfortable with others. We can be ourselves. And while we’re often pulled to conform to norms and social stereotypes of what good equals, that kind of comparison with others always leaves us feeling crappier. Thus, it’s often been said: “Everybody else is taken, just be yourself.”
Loving one’s self can be a challenge if we didn’t get enough positive self-affirming messages while our brains were getting wired during crucial neurological development in childhood.
Do you have a “good voice” inside?
Finding a voice inside that is nurturing, caring and supportive of the good that we naturally, inherently are and have to offer is a huge part of feeling that way, seeing ourselves as lovable and sending that message out into the universe—which, in practicality, is usually just the 10-20 feet in front of our noses—where we interact with others.
You might have competing voices inside.
In my practice and in my personal life, I often work with internalized parts or voices. You’ve probably heard that while we appear to be a coherent single personality, we are actually made up of multiple internal parts, voices and motivations. One part wants to be liked and accepted while another wants to be true, authentic and express our uniqueness. One part feels compassionate and giving, while other parts can feel stingy and protective.
Discovering or creating your supportive voice is so important.
If there isn’t already a natural voice that’s accessible inside that resonates with the message, “You’re so great! I like you! You are good enough right here, right now,” try creating one. Visualize a person, a wise guide, a mentor, a friend, a good parent, an old (or present) lover, or a spiritual figure…anyone that sees your beauty and goodness…and hear them say words like this to you. Take them in. Feel their truth. Feel the good inherent in this message.
Practice this in your dating life.
From that place, turn to your profile, while owning that reality and feeling. Hold yourself, sustain yourself in that reality…this might be work. It’s different from just swiping for swiping sake.
Learning how to swipe all over again.
While holding yourself in that uplifted feeling state and reality, approach your profile or other’s profiles. This time, it’s going to be less about swiping to get something or swiping to find something or someone. Just for now, try making it more about sustaining your experience of “I’m really good, I’m confident, I like myself,” while being in (virtual) contact with others. See what happens. See what comes up. If it feels good, great.
If you get pulled away from feeling good, notice it. What happens? Then process it, journal it, make sense of it and feel your way into what’s there. It may start a deepening process of becoming aware of what gets in the way of feeling good, or it may reinforce your ability to stay with the voice that feels supportive.
Rewiring our brains for happiness and love.
Feeling good isn’t always easy. Sometimes we have to overcome old messages and implicit “truths” that got wired into us before we had the ability to question or challenge them. If that’s true for you, and most of us have these places where we can get stuck feeling unlovable or un-acceptable, it just means this kind of practice is exactly what the doctor ordered.
Try committing to practicing it for 1-2 minutes each day. Rick Hanson, who I call my favorite neuropsychotherapist, refers to this as “slow-drip” happiness and often quotes the Buddha saying, “Drop by drop is the water pot filled. Likewise, so the wise man [and woman] gathering it little by little, fills him/herself with good.” It’s worth the time it takes to cultivate! And it IS do-able.
My next post will be Tip 3 in this series on getting them to swipe right, so watch for it. I love hearing how these strategies are helping! Feel free to leave a comment below, drop me an email, or if you want to some help accessing or enhancing your self-love and devloping the good voices inside - feel free to call me for a free 15 minute phone consultation at (415)-797-8297. I am San Francisco’s resident dating therapist helping singles create the love and life that they want!