Most couples don’t sit down and create a shared code of conduct for how they want to treat each other—especially when things get hard. And yet, every couple has operating principles, whether they’re spoken or not.
Some are intentional and strengthening:
“We speak respectfully, even when we’re upset.”
“We don’t threaten the relationship in conflict.”
“We both take responsibility for repair.”
And then there are the anti-principles—the unconscious agreements or tolerated behaviors that slowly erode trust, intimacy, and safety over time.
What Are Anti-Principles?
“Anti-principles” is a term I use to describe the behaviors or patterns that have become normalized in a relationship—but are actually corrosive to the connection. These aren’t always malicious or dramatic. They’re often subtle, repeated habits that go unchecked because both partners assume this is “just how we are.”
Some examples:
We raise our voices and say hurtful things when triggered.
One person always withdraws while the other escalates.
We go days without repair after a fight.
One partner chronically over-functions while the other under-functions.
We avoid tough topics to keep the peace.
When these patterns go unnamed, they become the quiet architecture of the relationship. They operate in the background, setting the tone, eroding goodwill, and training each partner to expect disconnection instead of repair, criticism instead of curiosity, or avoidance instead of presence.
The Hidden Cost of Anti-Principles
You might not notice the toll at first. You may still laugh together, share responsibilities, even enjoy affection. But over time, these anti-principles wear down the fabric of your connection. They create low-level tension, resentment, and a growing sense of aloneness—even inside the relationship.
In the words of couples therapist Stan Tatkin, relationships need shared principles and agreements that are co-created, conscious, and pro-relationship. They are not just about managing conflict, but about creating safety, reliability, and emotional attunement on purpose.
When we don’t define our principles, we default to our defenses—and most of those defenses were wired in childhood or past relationships, not designed for thriving intimacy today.
Bringing Anti-Principles to Light
So how do you know what your anti-principles are?
Start by asking:
When we get triggered or upset, what do we tend to do?
What behaviors have we come to accept that don’t feel good to either of us?
Are there ways we each sabotage trust, intimacy, or emotional safety—whether consciously or unconsciously?
It’s not about blame—it’s about bringing unconscious dynamics into the light. From there, you and your partner can decide what you actually want your principles to be.
Replacing Anti-Principles with Real Ones
Here’s the good news: you can start creating relationship-strengthening principles now, even if anti-principles have ruled the landscape for a long time.
Try drafting your own simple, shared statements:
We repair quickly when there’s a rupture.
We treat each other with warmth and respect, even when activated.
We both take responsibility for the relationship.
These aren’t rigid rules—they’re values in action. They give you something to orient toward together when things get hard, instead of reverting to isolation, blame, or old wounds.
A Relationship is a System—It Needs Structure
Loving someone isn’t always enough. Without shared principles, your relationship is vulnerable to chaos, confusion, and unconscious patterns. But when you commit to real principles—and root out the anti-principles that have gone unnoticed—you create something solid, resilient, and secure.
Want help identifying the invisible dynamics in your relationship?
In couples therapy or marriage counseling, I help partners name and shift unconscious patterns, root down into shared values, and create lasting emotional safety. Especially for couples in San Francisco and beyond who want more than just “getting along,” this work is about designing a relationship that actually feels good to be in.