You lock eyes with someone across the room. Your stomach flutters. They smile, and you’re lit up—nervous, alive, pulled in. You tell your friend, “I don’t know what it is, but the chemistry is insane.”
And just like that, your nervous system is off to the races.
But here’s the thing: just because the chemistry is strong doesn’t mean the relationship will be.
What Is Chemistry, Really?
Chemistry is that electric, magnetic, sometimes unshakable pull we feel toward someone. But it’s not just magic. It’s made up of neurobiology, psychology, memory, and early relational wiring.
When we experience “chemistry,” what’s happening underneath is a mix of neurochemical fireworks and unconscious emotional familiarity.
Your brain lights up with dopamine (reward), norepinephrine (arousal and excitement), and oxytocin (bonding)—the same cocktail that floods us during early romantic stages, intense experiences, or even danger. Your body interprets that chemical rush as meaning.
But often, what it actually means is:
This feels familiar. This matches something I know….
Even if we aren't aware that it's familiar, this happens. And the brain prefers the familiar.
The Familiarity Trap
Your nervous system is incredibly smart. It learned early on what “connection” felt like—even if it was inconsistent, overwhelming, avoidant, or full of emotional highs and lows. It didn't judge it. It just knows it.
If you grew up needing to earn love, manage other people’s moods, or chase after unavailable caregivers, you may unconsciously associate activation with affection.
That’s why the person who feels “electric” or intriguing might not be emotionally available at all. They may even resemble the very patterns you’ve spent years trying to grow out of.
But your unconscious mind?
It’s trying to finish an old story.
It’s trying to get a different ending with the same familiar characters.
And that can feel like chemistry.
Attraction vs. Activation
One of the most helpful questions in dating is:
Am I feeling attraction—or activation?
Attraction is grounded, mutual, and grows steadily over time.
Activation is usually intense, fast-moving, and full of anxious or avoidant undertones.
In my dating coaching work, I help people notice their nervous system cues:
Does this person make you feel drawn and safe—or excited and unsettled?
Are you drawn to them because of their presence—or because of their distance?
Is your body telling you “I feel seen,” or “I need to prove I’m enough”?
These questions help differentiate true compatibility from trauma reenactment.
The Right Kind of Chemistry
It’s not that chemistry is bad. But if you’ve had a pattern of intense starts followed by emotional crashes, complicated dynamics or just repeated endings, you may need to retrain what your body interprets as a green light.
Sometimes the person who feels calm, consistent, or even “boring” at first is actually the one who’s most emotionally available. It might not spike adrenaline in your system—but it also won’t keep you in cycles of confusion and pain.
Healthy chemistry feels:
Safe and hopeful
Grounded and connected
Mutual and easeful
And it builds over time—often when both people are open, present, and not stuck in old protective patterns.
Final Thought
The next time you feel that spark, pause and get curious.
What does your body know that your mind hasn’t caught up to yet?
What feels familiar? What feels activating? What feels safe?
Because when you know the real chemistry behind chemistry, you gain the power to choose connection over chaos—and real love over old wiring. That’s exactly what dating therapy is about—helping you understand yourself, your choices, and the path to a relationship that feels right for you.