Dating in this tech-and-app age can be quite a challenge. It's even harder if you fumble on the first few steps with someone new. Don't shoot yourself in the foot! Do you know how you score on a D-IQ (Intelligence Quotient for Dating) test?
It's easy to throw a wet blanket on the first, second or third dates if you don't know how to create safe, respectful and appealing engagement up front.
Maybe you have a friend who never has any trouble striking up a conversation with someone they find attractive. Or perhaps you know someone who has mastered the art of using dating apps and has had a string of successful dates. Meanwhile, you may feel like you’re missing out on something, and you’re not sure where you’re going wrong.
Wondering why certain people have thriving love lives? It’s not just chance—it’s because they know what they want, how to communicate their needs, and when to move on. Think of it as a “dating intelligence quotient” (D-IQ).
Here are some basic dating tips to help you with your D-IQ.
Communication Skills
Good communication skills are the keys to happy relationships. It’s important to be a good listener. Ask your date questions and express interest in their passions and hobbies.
Conversely, try to avoid talking about yourself too much. Yeah, we know you’re interesting, but bragging and over-talking (god forbid, mansplaining) can be a buzzkill. So can being too negative about your life or complaining. Save the self-deprecating humor for a few dates later, when you know each other a little better!
Expectations and Pitfalls
Keep your expectations realistic. If you hit it off with someone, it’s easy to get carried away and start imagining your future together. But if you put your date on a pedestal, you will inevitably be let down. Have an open mind and remember that your date is only human—they’re going to have flaws, and that’s okay.
At the same time, don’t be afraid to bounce if you’re noticing red flags. Someone with a high D-IQ knows when it’s time to cut loose, and they don’t hang around hoping things will improve or overthinking it when the date is clearly going downhill. It’s not rude to be honest. You also don’t have to protect them from your preferences if your’e not feeling a ‘click’. Do it thoughtfully, but honestly and prevent future disappointments by inadvertantly leading them on.
Sexuality and Chemistry
Chemistry is hard to explain. Either you and your partner have it or you don’t. It can’t be manufactured. It’s a physical and emotional connection, and it’s the reason you feel a spark with some people while you just don’t feel it with others. It may not show up on the first date, you’re both just getting comfortable. Give it a chance to develop.
The thing about chemistry is that you simply can’t fake it. There are different kinds of chemistry, but if nothing’s there after 2 or 3 dates, you can’t force it, and it’s likely it won’t materialize. Trying to impose it will simply result in disappointment. Of course, in a long-term relationship, you need to put in the effort to keep that spark alive.
Qualities of a Good Partner
What’s the real secret of someone with a high D-IQ? They know exactly what they’re looking for in a partner, and know how to be a good partner in return. They have a feel for it and it balances the information from heart with the head.
It’s okay to have dealbreakers and want certain shared values with the person you spend your life with. But those with high D-IQ’s do not waste time with people who can’t offer what they need. And they have a solid understanding of what they personally bring to the table. Self-awareness is crucial in the dating game, and a lack of it can set you back.
Understanding Your Baggage
The word “baggage” sounds scary, but the truth is that we all have baggage. That does not mean you need to unload it all on your date right away, but part of self-awareness is understanding your personal baggage. Know what you’re sensitive about and remember that you and your date will both have your own shortcomings. In a good relationship, your shared shortcomings can become complementary strengths, though that may take time and work.
Whether you are nervous about intimacy, have trust issues from a previous relationship, or are hesitant to get serious with someone because you’ve only had casual flings before—just be honest with yourself. If you want to boost your own D-IQ, knowledge is power! Consider doing some introspective work around the baggage you bring with you.
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Looking for love but striking out? See how relationship therapy can improve your dating intelligence quotient. Feel free to contact me to discuss how I can help you.
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