Dating Intelligence: Advantages of Knowing Your Attachment Style
So What
“Attachment Styles” are all the rage these days in the dating and relationship scene. So what’s the big deal? Why does it matter? Well, it has everything to do with whether you will be able to navigate the relationship rapids ahead if you get serious with someone you like and start dating.
Your attachment style describes, predicts and makes sense of how you relate to others in dating and intimate relationships.
Back story
How did you develop your attachment style? It’s generally rooted in behaviors you learned from the adults who raised you, and it corresponds to how you “attached” to others as a child.
For instance, a person with an avoidant attachment style is generally uncomfortable with intimacy and the idea of someone else depending on them. Someone with an anxious attachment style might be desperate for intimacy but fear abandonment. People with disorganized attachment styles have typically experienced trauma and may repeat dysfunctional patterns in relationships. And someone with a secure attachment style generally feels confident and trusting in intimate relationships.
Of course, not everyone fits squarely into one box—you may relate to the description of two styles, or even notice elements of three that sound familiar.
Recognize your style? Then you’ve got an advantage in the dating game.
Here’s how knowing your attachment style can help you find the right person.
Recognizing Patterns
When you learn your attachment style, you might have an “Aha!” moment. Suddenly, all of the mistakes you’ve made over and over again and the typical habits you fall into when dating someone all begin to add up.
You can look back at all of your past relationships and see why you felt more secure than your partner, why you distanced yourself, or why they viewed you as “needy.” As soon as you understand why you repeat certain patterns, you can start working to change them.
Understanding Your “Type”
Maybe you tend to gravitate towards the same kind of person, and your friends tease you for having such an obvious “type.” There’s a good chance you’re seeking out someone with a different attachment style.
For example, people with anxious styles are often the only ones persistent enough to date people with avoidant styles. Likewise, someone with a disorganized style might feel more attracted to other people with disorganized styles.
Improving Communication
Knowing your attachment style can help even if you’re already dating someone! This info is not just for single people looking to land new partners.
For instance, if you and your partner have had trouble communicating in the past, learning your attachment style can help you figure out the root cause of the issue. Try talking to your partner about what you’ve realized about yourself, and listen to their input.
Knowing If You’re Ready for Romance
Sometimes, learning your attachment style is the key to admitting that you’re not quite ready for a relationship yet.
For example, you may have reflected on difficult experiences in childhood and your tumultuous home life and realized that you have a disorganized attachment style. You might be able to see how this has made it tough for you to have fulfilling, romantic relationships. Perhaps staying single for a bit and working on yourself is in your best interest.
Making Positive Changes
Is it possible to change your attachment style? If you hope to change yours, there’s good news for you—the answer is yes. However, it’s not exactly an easy process. And shifting your attachment style will likely take a significant amount of time and effort. In my experience, couples counseling can go a long way to helping people develop new attachment styles and feel more secure and settled.
Is there anything that can make this process easier?
Working with a qualified therapist who has experience with both individual and couples therapy can definitely be beneficial. Having professional guidance from a therapist who can help you identify why you developed a particular attachment style and the specific changes you need to make could be the key to shifting your style.
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Want to discover your personal attachment style and see how this knowledge can transform your love life? Relationship therapy can help. Contact me today to discuss your options.
Find out more about how my approach to Dating and Relationship Therapy can help. Feel free to leave a comment below, drop me an email, or if you want some help changing how you relate and create the love you want in your life - feel free to use the contact form to request a free 15 minute phone consultation. I am San Francisco’s resident Couples & Relationship Therapist helping successful couples and singles create the love and life that they want!